And In Today's Headlines..

I am huge fan of the NEWS. No, I am not the ideal teen who knows everything about everything. But yes, I do like to be aware of what the general populace is up to. And thanks to all those dedicated NEWS channels out there, I do come to know of a lot of high-priority, life-changing stuff. Like how ‘Brangelina’ adopted a kid from yet another impoverished country followed by an hour-long feature on how all their other kids are doing. And there is absolutely no telling you how thankful I am, that on the ‘Abhi-Ash’ wedding, there was ‘Exclusive Coverage’ which included some hazy, extremely unclear video grabs of Aishwarya Rai sitting in a car on her way to the venue. I also heard about Rakhi Sawant’s next attempt at a wedding on national TV, that major twist in the absolutely unpredictable storyline of ‘Balika Vadhu’, the next ‘hot item-number’, the newest size zero, the…  Wait, what did you say again? The Indian Women’s Kabbadi team won the World Cup? No, I did not hear much about that. But hey, did you hear about Sunny Leone?

Remember when all the NEWS we had were those thirty minute bulletins that were aired twice or thrice every day and were presented by average-looking NEWS-readers? Things have changed. The presenters look better. The channels look more sophisticated. Also, the tiniest event is dramatized, enacted or animated and presented with a serious- sounding voice-over that makes it seem like your life just changed. The NEWS is transforming our lives into a slow-paced Hindi soap - with the twists and turns and the vamp we all love to hate but still watch.

Yes, I respect the fourth estate. I am, what one might call, a ‘wannabe’ journalist myself. That said, here is another thing I have noticed. Everything everyone says nowadays is said with the invariable motive of giving the press and the people something to talk about while they busy themselves demolishing the system in smoother, subtler ways. I recently caught a glimpse of a feature on a respected NEWS channel as part of the assembly elections in a state. There was a politician ranting at a public event about how this other politician “gets up at 4 am in the morning, works for 5 hours and then starts drinking”. There was also something about a “Patiala Peg” and how “he takes it neat”. In the era which has redefined ‘corruption’, ‘money-laundering’ and all those other words that can undo a nation, how can we allow a drunk politician to exist? But that is, of course, ignoring the fact that in some of our states, the government itself sells subsidised alcohol. But no! A politician who drinks? Unacceptable! Who cares if he’s qualified or not corrupt or the biggest money-launderer in history? It all fades in comparison to the fact that ‘he takes his drinks neat’, because that right there, is undeniably the perfect yardstick to measure his credibility. The way I see it, this is the only thing the above statement implied. If you can think of a saner motive, I would be extremely interested to know.

We were made to read “A Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley in school. In it, the author suggests that in the future, all important information will be lost in a stream of irrelevant data that will be relayed to us continuously. Now go watch the NEWS. Watch that ‘heart-wrenching’ story of the reality show contestant. Watch the ad for that couch that can be successfully dragged around on rocks for whatever reason without causing any damage whatsoever.  I even remember watching this show where they zoomed in on a picture of a celebrity taken at some event, highlighted a portion of her arm in red and suggested that she needed instant ‘hair-removal’. Imagine the amount of irrelevant things that are being fed into your mind. Not all of us are a Sherlock Holmes with an attic for a mind that holds no data that is irrelevant to his immediate existence. Which is why, while we know of the Copernican theory, we also know how many kilos ‘Ash’ gained after Beti-B.

The NEWS today is tailor-made according to what we ‘want’ to talk about, not what we ‘should’ be hearing. But wait, I am a Libran – born diplomat. Hence I have to say, I also admire NEWS channels who, in times of crisis relay information round the clock (except when they do real bright things like broadcast a telephone conversation with a hostage (who might just be a politician) on National TV that reveals where a large group of targets are hiding inside a terrorist-ridden building). It is the other days I refer to – days when you and I are out of ‘interesting’ topics to gossip about. That is when some NEWS channel promptly throws us bits of information on the latest ‘Bikini Babe’ or the newest set of 8-pack abs and lo! In less than a second, the winning Kabaddi team, the corrupt minister and the martyred soldier become history. And all is right in the world again.