I am huge fan of the NEWS. No, I am not the ideal teen who
knows everything about everything. But yes, I do like to be aware of what the
general populace is up to. And thanks to all those dedicated NEWS channels out
there, I do come to know of a lot of high-priority, life-changing stuff. Like
how ‘Brangelina’ adopted a kid from yet another impoverished country followed
by an hour-long feature on how all their other kids are doing. And there is
absolutely no telling you how thankful I am, that on the ‘Abhi-Ash’ wedding,
there was ‘Exclusive Coverage’ which included some hazy, extremely unclear
video grabs of Aishwarya Rai sitting in a car on her way to the venue. I also heard
about Rakhi Sawant’s next attempt at a wedding on national TV, that major twist
in the absolutely unpredictable storyline of ‘Balika Vadhu’, the next ‘hot
item-number’, the newest size zero, the…
Wait, what did you say again? The Indian Women’s Kabbadi team won the
World Cup? No, I did not hear much about that. But hey, did you hear about
Sunny Leone?
Remember when all the NEWS we had were those thirty minute
bulletins that were aired twice or thrice every day and were presented by
average-looking NEWS-readers? Things have changed. The presenters look better.
The channels look more sophisticated. Also, the tiniest event is dramatized,
enacted or animated and presented with a serious- sounding voice-over that
makes it seem like your life just changed. The NEWS is transforming our lives
into a slow-paced Hindi soap - with the twists and turns and the vamp we all
love to hate but still watch.
Yes, I respect the fourth estate. I am, what one might call,
a ‘wannabe’ journalist myself. That said, here is another thing I have noticed.
Everything everyone says nowadays is said with the invariable motive of giving
the press and the people something to talk about while they busy themselves
demolishing the system in smoother, subtler ways. I recently caught a glimpse
of a feature on a respected NEWS channel as part of the assembly elections in a
state. There was a politician ranting at a public event about how this other
politician “gets up at 4 am in the morning, works for 5 hours and then starts
drinking”. There was also something about a “Patiala Peg” and how “he takes it
neat”. In the era which has redefined ‘corruption’, ‘money-laundering’ and all
those other words that can undo a nation, how can we allow a drunk politician
to exist? But that is, of course, ignoring the fact that in some of our states,
the government itself sells subsidised alcohol. But no! A politician who
drinks? Unacceptable! Who cares if he’s qualified or not corrupt or the biggest
money-launderer in history? It all fades in comparison to the fact that ‘he
takes his drinks neat’, because that right there, is undeniably the perfect
yardstick to measure his credibility. The way I see it, this is the only thing
the above statement implied. If you can think of a saner motive, I would be
extremely interested to know.
We were made to read “A Brave New World” by Aldous Huxley in
school. In it, the author suggests that in the future, all important
information will be lost in a stream of irrelevant data that will be relayed to
us continuously. Now go watch the NEWS. Watch that ‘heart-wrenching’ story of
the reality show contestant. Watch the ad for that couch that can be successfully
dragged around on rocks for whatever reason without causing any damage
whatsoever. I even remember watching
this show where they zoomed in on a picture of a celebrity taken at some event,
highlighted a portion of her arm in red and suggested that she needed instant
‘hair-removal’. Imagine the amount of irrelevant things that are being fed into
your mind. Not all of us are a Sherlock Holmes with an attic for a mind that
holds no data that is irrelevant to his immediate existence. Which is why, while
we know of the Copernican theory, we also know how many kilos ‘Ash’ gained
after Beti-B.
The NEWS today is tailor-made according to what we ‘want’ to
talk about, not what we ‘should’ be hearing. But wait, I am a Libran – born
diplomat. Hence I have to say, I also admire NEWS channels who, in times of
crisis relay information round the clock (except when they do real bright
things like broadcast a telephone conversation with a hostage (who might just
be a politician) on National TV that reveals where a large group of targets are
hiding inside a terrorist-ridden building). It is the other days I refer to –
days when you and I are out of ‘interesting’ topics to gossip about. That is
when some NEWS channel promptly throws us bits of information on the latest
‘Bikini Babe’ or the newest set of 8-pack abs and lo! In less than a second, the
winning Kabaddi team, the corrupt minister and the martyred soldier become
history. And all is right in the world again.
